Feelin's

A couple of weeks ago I published a post called "Hiding in Plain Sight" about my tendency to stay busy to avoid feeling instead of going to God in my grief. That post somehow vanished from my public page, but I can't say I'm sad because it wasn't my favorite post--it needed something more! So I'm returning to the subject with a new post.

What I've learned over the course of the last several months is that I like to work hard. That's not a bad thing, but what I didn't know is my habit is to stay busy to avoid feeling. When I realized this, I knew I didn't want to avoid feeling the loss of Linda, so I stopped working as hard. Very soon afterward, a flood of emotion came rushing in. It was like a tidal wave of backed-up feelings that washed over me and knocked me over for a couple weeks. But I knew it was good. I was feeling what was inside, and it was healing.

The other thing I learned when I took a break from working hard was that I get my sense of worth from other people's praise when I work hard. Working hard isn't a bad thing in itself (it can be a great thing), but staying busy all the time in order to receive validation  is. After slowing down, I learned that my value comes from the Lord, and I learn about my value through my relationship with Him. Recently this verse has been on my heart, and out of gratefulness I say to God, "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well" (Psalm 139:14). He made me awesome, so my confidence is in Him. And the places where I am lacking or weak, I trust in Him to give me strength. I'm only awesome because He's the awesomeist and He makes me awesome!

So I'm enjoying this time of slowing down and smelling the proverbial truth, and also growing in love with God and my family and friends around me. God is using Linda's passing as an opportunity to teach me some big lessons and to enlarge my heart. Of course I wish Linda was still here with me, but I am grateful that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

He is creating good things in my life out of this tragedy. Despair will not take ahold of me during this 'night of grieving.' It may lay on top of me, but it won't seep into my bones because God is using this tragedy to grow character in my life. Like it says in Psalm 30:5, "Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." I am already experiencing the joy of the Lord amidst my grief, and I look forward to even more joy in the future!