Hello all, I've started this blog so that you, my friends and family, can track with me during this time after my precious wife Linda has passed away. It is also a way for me to share my testimony of what God is doing and saying in my life. I welcome any comments you have to my posts.
A few days ago I asked God a new question, a question arising out of my grief. I asked Him, "Why?" I've asked him why before, as in "Why did You take Linda?" I know I won't know the answer to this question until I get to Heaven, but I know it is legitimate question. But this time the why was proceeded by, "Why didn't you take me too? I would rather be with her now than go through the rest of this miserable life!"
It was a heart-cry, and the feeling is difficult to describe. All I can say is that I miss my wonderful wife very very much and in the moment I didn't see the point of going on without her. Why shouldn't I just die and go to heaven too so that I could be with her now? That feeling (and a feeling of despair) stuck with me for a couple days until one morning when the Lord spoke to me through His Word. I woke up pretty sad, with that feeling still in my heart, when I opened the bible and asked the Lord to guide me to what to read.
I turned to Philippians 1, and immediately felt the Lord speak to me. What stood out most were verses 21-25 which say, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again."
God spoke to me right there. I could relate exactly to what Paul was saying, and it was like the Lord was saying, "I want you here on Earth still for the sake of the people you love and those I will lead you to." I felt the despair subside. Only the Lord could say that to me in a way that would reach my heart. I took a moment, and although it was difficult I answered the Lord. I said aloud, "Okay. I understand."
God still wants to use me. He doesn't think I'm used up or washed out. My world has been rocked to the core, don't get me wrong. But that doesn't count me out for the amazing future He has promised me. He says in the Bible, "'For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11) Sure life will be hard, but if I keep following my Father, He promises to bring me fulfillment and not ruin. To use my life to impact other people, not just a lifetime filled with despair and broken-heartedness.
I know I am in a season of grieving, and that is proper. But I won't always be there. I want to add most importantly that when God spoke to me in my despair, it was way beyond words. He met me intimately and touched a place of my heart only He could reach. I have to say most days right now are difficult, but every day I look to God for what I need and He meets me there, giving me what I need to get through that day. And I know He will be there every day, as it says in Deuteronomy 31:6, "He will never leave you nor forsake you."
A few days ago I asked God a new question, a question arising out of my grief. I asked Him, "Why?" I've asked him why before, as in "Why did You take Linda?" I know I won't know the answer to this question until I get to Heaven, but I know it is legitimate question. But this time the why was proceeded by, "Why didn't you take me too? I would rather be with her now than go through the rest of this miserable life!"
It was a heart-cry, and the feeling is difficult to describe. All I can say is that I miss my wonderful wife very very much and in the moment I didn't see the point of going on without her. Why shouldn't I just die and go to heaven too so that I could be with her now? That feeling (and a feeling of despair) stuck with me for a couple days until one morning when the Lord spoke to me through His Word. I woke up pretty sad, with that feeling still in my heart, when I opened the bible and asked the Lord to guide me to what to read.
I turned to Philippians 1, and immediately felt the Lord speak to me. What stood out most were verses 21-25 which say, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again."
God spoke to me right there. I could relate exactly to what Paul was saying, and it was like the Lord was saying, "I want you here on Earth still for the sake of the people you love and those I will lead you to." I felt the despair subside. Only the Lord could say that to me in a way that would reach my heart. I took a moment, and although it was difficult I answered the Lord. I said aloud, "Okay. I understand."
God still wants to use me. He doesn't think I'm used up or washed out. My world has been rocked to the core, don't get me wrong. But that doesn't count me out for the amazing future He has promised me. He says in the Bible, "'For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11) Sure life will be hard, but if I keep following my Father, He promises to bring me fulfillment and not ruin. To use my life to impact other people, not just a lifetime filled with despair and broken-heartedness.
I know I am in a season of grieving, and that is proper. But I won't always be there. I want to add most importantly that when God spoke to me in my despair, it was way beyond words. He met me intimately and touched a place of my heart only He could reach. I have to say most days right now are difficult, but every day I look to God for what I need and He meets me there, giving me what I need to get through that day. And I know He will be there every day, as it says in Deuteronomy 31:6, "He will never leave you nor forsake you."
