In the next three posts I'm going to describe the three biggest things that I went to for comfort during my grieving instead of going to God. The three things might multiply as I go on, but we shall see:) The first thing I went to after Linda passed was seeking pleasure. Very quickly my mind started wandering to the possibilities--going back to the party life and all that goes with it. Abandoning my life in the Lord for the fun and the comforts the world has to offer.
It sounds strange to admit that I was thinking these things while I was newly grieving the loss of my wife. But since I was grieving, the sense of shock and loss was immense. As a human being I wanted to be comforted, I wanted something to ease the pain.
I was doing my best to stand firm in the Lord and hold on to His promises, but let's face it, I had been rocked to the core. I think it's easy to say that this will probably be the most difficult thing I will ever face in my life. My heart had been fused together, united with Linda's. When she died, it was like part of my heart was ripped away. It says in the bible that when two people get married that "the two... become one flesh" (Matthew 19:5). It was like a part of me had died. The life we were living together definitely died. So there I was in Holland, trying to figure out , 'Lord, what happens next? What do I do now?' And the enemy was all that time planting thoughts in my head, trying to convince me to go to Party Town.
Our enemy can entice us in very subtle ways but as it says in 1 Corinthians 10:13, "with the temptation, [God] will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." I started going down the road to Party Town, but God provided the way out and I took it. The story, in brief, goes like this: Linda passed away in June, and in July I left Holland and settled back in Santa Cruz. I was staying with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and was not working. This was a time to process and grieve. I started hanging out with some friends of mine who were sympathetic to me and wanted to be there for me. But the place we ended up was the at bar. And we knew the bartender, so when I ordered one beer, five beers would find their way to me!
Wow, is it easy in the world to go down a path of self-gratification. There are many people to help you get there, to enjoy what they are enjoying. And in my state, I was looking for something to ease the pain. I wasn't thinking that of course, I was just thinking that I wanted to take it easy, hang out with my friends, and enjoy myself with a couple beers. My wife had just died by the way, and I just wanted to enjoy life a little bit if I could with old friends. Take a break from all the sadness. I wasn't thinking (that much) about where this path would lead me. Thankfully the Lord gave me a way out, like it says in that scripture, and showed me that I had to make my exit, and make it quick.
I was being honest with people about what I was doing and how much I was drinking (which was more than I wanted). Someone I talked to said it was like I had two well-worn paths in front of me that I knew very well, and I needed to make a choice which one I was going to follow. My choice was either the path to Party Town or the path of following the Lord. Even if I didn't take the train all the way to Party Town and stayed in Hanging-Out-With-Bros-and-Beers Town, I still knew that wasn't the path God had for me. So I followed God's way out, which presented itself in the form of an invitation. The Intern Director at my church invited to live at the church campus with the families and people who live there. I immediately jumped on this, knowing this was the path I want to take, the path that brings life.
It hasn't been easy, but life never is. So the question came down to do I want to take my focus off my own life and lay it down for the sake of others? It is not an easy path, but I would be helping to make a difference in restoring and transforming people's lives for the better. And my own life would get restored in the process. Sounds like a pretty good set-up. Or do I want to seek pleasure in the moment in an effort to escape and numb the pain I feel in my own life? This will only leave me feeling empty the next day and wanting more in order to fill the hole.
This is the question I asked myself in my grief and is a question that anyone facing a similar situation may need to ask themselves. But I think everyone can benefit themselves by asking this question, 'what am I really living my life for? Who am I living it for? For God, or for myself? Honestly, am I just seeking to numb my own pain, or am I seeking God and the life that He has for me?' I challenge you to honestly ask yourself this question. If you're surprised by the answer, talk to someone you trust about it, or you can send me an email. You can email me by clicking the "contact me" link on my profile in Blogger.
In closing I want to say that choosing to live on campus not only provided me a way to jump onto the path I really wanted to take, it has also been a safe place for me to grieve. I have my own room, and I've been given all the space I need to grieve. If I need to go to my room and be alone for a while, I can do that. There are also about 30 great people who live on campus with me, so there is often someone around who I can trust can talk to. It's also great to have people around so I don't slip into isolation.
I'm grateful to God for providing an exit off the train to Party Town and for getting putting me on the path following Him. I'm also glad I'm living at a place in this time of my life where I'm safe and covered.
