God, my heart's companion

I was walking on the beach a few days ago talking with God, when I saw a couple walking towards me. They were holding hands, and they reminded me of Linda and I. They didn't look like we did, but the lady had blonde hair like Linda did, and the man had a baseball cap on like I did that morning. I first started to miss Linda, but I heard God say, "I am your mate. I am your partner. And I want to be closer to you than even Linda was. I am filling that hole in your heart, and I want to fill it even more with My love. Be My mate. Come close to Me. Hold My hand, spend time."

My Father wants to have an intimate relationship with me, like a bridegroom has with a bride. This verse describes that relationship:

"The voice of joy and the voice of gladness, the voice of the bridegroom and the voice of the bride, the voice of those who say,

'Give thanks to the Lord of hosts,
For the Lord is good,
For His lovingkindness is everlasting';

and of those who bring a thank offering into the house of the Lord. For I will restore the fortunes of the land as they were at first,’ says the Lord." (Jeremiah 33:11)

I am God's bride, and my declaration is, "Thank You Lord, because You are good, and Your love is forever! Thank You God that you will restore my fortunes to be even better than they were before Linda passed away."  

I love this picture from Isaiah 62:5 that says, "As the bridegroom rejoices over the bride, so your God will rejoice over you." God is so proud of me, so in love with me, that He rejoices over me! I want more of that. I want more of His exuberant, overflowing love for me. God, Your joy fills my heart, and I am so glad I get to spend time with You everyday; You the maker of heaven and earth, and my heart's companion.

God's promise for recovery: Isaiah 58

There was Vacation Bible School this week at my church. It's a Christian day camp for kids first through fifth grade. A couple of weeks before VBS started, I recieved some verses from Isaiah 58. Verses 7 and 8 say, "Is it not to divide your bread with the hungry and bring the homeless poor into the house; when you see the naked, to cover him; and not to hide yourself from your own flesh? Then your light will break out like the dawn, and your recovery will speedily spring forth."

I found this promise coming true this week because I was focused on people. I soon felt the weight of despair lift, like the verse says. I had someone to help this entire week, someone on my video team who is hungry to turn their life around and follow God. I am friends with this person and was able to provide them a place to serve others. As a result this person ran with the opportunity, had a lot of fun, and blessed so many people along the way. Then I turned around from helping them and saw that my own life was better!

I'm not thinking about how things will be once life gets back to normal after VBS because I know I want to continue to help this person and others follow God. I know going forward that life won't be the mountaintop experience of VBS, but I know for sure now that this promise is true and I would be crazy not to follow how God says I can get there. I challenge you to look at your life and see where you may need recovery and give that area to God. Then ask Him who is in need that you can help. You'll be surprised by your own recovery when you focus on loving and helping others!

Feelin's

A couple of weeks ago I published a post called "Hiding in Plain Sight" about my tendency to stay busy to avoid feeling instead of going to God in my grief. That post somehow vanished from my public page, but I can't say I'm sad because it wasn't my favorite post--it needed something more! So I'm returning to the subject with a new post.

What I've learned over the course of the last several months is that I like to work hard. That's not a bad thing, but what I didn't know is my habit is to stay busy to avoid feeling. When I realized this, I knew I didn't want to avoid feeling the loss of Linda, so I stopped working as hard. Very soon afterward, a flood of emotion came rushing in. It was like a tidal wave of backed-up feelings that washed over me and knocked me over for a couple weeks. But I knew it was good. I was feeling what was inside, and it was healing.

The other thing I learned when I took a break from working hard was that I get my sense of worth from other people's praise when I work hard. Working hard isn't a bad thing in itself (it can be a great thing), but staying busy all the time in order to receive validation  is. After slowing down, I learned that my value comes from the Lord, and I learn about my value through my relationship with Him. Recently this verse has been on my heart, and out of gratefulness I say to God, "I will give thanks to You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Wonderful are Your works, And my soul knows it very well" (Psalm 139:14). He made me awesome, so my confidence is in Him. And the places where I am lacking or weak, I trust in Him to give me strength. I'm only awesome because He's the awesomeist and He makes me awesome!

So I'm enjoying this time of slowing down and smelling the proverbial truth, and also growing in love with God and my family and friends around me. God is using Linda's passing as an opportunity to teach me some big lessons and to enlarge my heart. Of course I wish Linda was still here with me, but I am grateful that "God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) 

He is creating good things in my life out of this tragedy. Despair will not take ahold of me during this 'night of grieving.' It may lay on top of me, but it won't seep into my bones because God is using this tragedy to grow character in my life. Like it says in Psalm 30:5, "Weeping may last for the night, But a shout of joy comes in the morning." I am already experiencing the joy of the Lord amidst my grief, and I look forward to even more joy in the future!

One Year

Yesterday was the one year anniversary of Linda's passing. It was a good day because I was very supported by friends and family. It was a day of remembering Linda and missing her, as well as reflecting on this year that has gone by without her. I also received a gift yesterday, and that was hope.

I was talking with my good friend during lunch and was telling him how I've been covered by despair recently. I then went on to tell him that deep down I know that no matter what the despair tells me or how I'm feeling, that's not the end of the story. That even if I can't see it right now, I know that someday the despair will end. I know that God has a good future in store for me. I was telling him that I will not let go of that hope. I will not. To which my friend replied, "if only the you ten years ago could see you now, the hope and joy of the Lord that you have in the face of tragedy. You probably wouldn't be able to recognize yourself!"

That gave me renewed hope. It made me remember how far God has brought me, how much hope there is in Him. I answered, "you're right, even though I'm going through the most difficult time in my life, I am not the man I was ten years ago, I have so much hope." The Michael ten years ago was a hopeless case! And recently in my despair, I was thinking, 'things were horrible ten years ago, and they're worse now. What's the point of it all? Your future is only going to be even worse!' But my friend's comment was the truth, and it flipped the lie I was hearing in my despair.

I was looking on my past and thinking about my future, and the enemy was telling me that since my past has been full of hardship and tragedy, my future will be hopeless. But the flip side of that coin (the truth) is that God has been my protection and my hope through the hardship, and He will continue to be there for me. My future is not hopeless.

A scripture that another friend gave to me yesterday is "You, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the One who lifts my head." (Psalms 3:3) God keeps me safe. Even though I will go through the 'valley of the shadow of death,' I won't fear the hopelessness that is there because God is with me. He has protected me before and He will continue to do so. And the future He promises me is great, it's not hopeless! "'For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11) I take hope in His plan for me, knowing that whatever He has in store for me in these next years will be good.

So I hold onto hope, looking to God, and am expecting this next year to be a good one.

Keepin' it Real

I've been thinking a lot about what to write next. I love to write, so I've been getting all these ideas about what to put down, but recently nothing sounded like, "this is it!" I want my blog to be a place where I can express honestly what's going on in my process and what God is saying to me through it all. And hopefully my writing will help some people along the way. While the last post was good, it didn't turn out to be as open and honest as I wanted it to. So now I'm keepin' it real. Do I have a lot to share that God taught in this last difficult year? Yes, but I want to be where is the pulse of my heart is. If I'm not hitting it, then my writing falls flat. I've also noticed that my daily life falls flat if I'm not honest with God and my friends (and also importantly--myself!) about how I'm doing.

So where am I at right now? I'm doing well and having a hard time all at the same time. My relationships with my friends and God are good but I have also been slipping into despair over the last few weeks. I am doing better now, praise the Lord, but it is getting close to the anniversary of Linda's death, so sadness comes with the territory.

A verse that's meant something to me recently is from John 4:4 that says, "greater is He who is in you than he who is in the world." This verse reminds me that the God who lives in me is greater than the enemy of my soul who would want to suck me down into despair. Times might be hard, but I know that God will carry me though it. Thank you Lord that You live in me and You keep me safe from things that life or the enemy will bring my way!

Goin' to Party Town (not to be confused with Funky Town)

In the next three posts I'm going to describe the three biggest things that I went to for comfort during my grieving instead of going to God. The three things might multiply as I go on, but we shall see:) The first thing I went to after Linda passed was seeking pleasure. Very quickly my mind started wandering to the possibilities--going back to the party life and all that goes with it. Abandoning my life in the Lord for the fun and the comforts the world has to offer.

It sounds strange to admit that I was thinking these things while I was newly grieving the loss of my wife. But since I was grieving, the sense of shock and loss was immense. As a human being I wanted to be comforted, I wanted something to ease the pain. 

I was doing my best to stand firm in the Lord and hold on to His promises, but let's face it, I had been rocked to the core. I think it's easy to say that this will probably be the most difficult thing I will ever face in my life. My heart had been fused together, united with Linda's. When she died, it was like part of my heart was ripped away. It says in the bible that when two people get married that "the two... become one flesh" (Matthew 19:5). It was like a part of me had died. The life we were living together definitely died. So there I was in Holland, trying to figure out , 'Lord, what happens next? What do I do now?' And the enemy was all that time planting thoughts in my head, trying to convince me to go to Party Town.

Our enemy can entice us in very subtle ways but as it says in 1 Corinthians 10:13, "with the temptation, [God] will provide the way of escape also, so that you will be able to endure it." I started going down the road to Party Town, but God provided the way out and I took it. The story, in brief, goes like this: Linda passed away in June, and in July I left Holland and settled back in Santa Cruz. I was staying with my Aunt and Uncle at the time and was not working. This was a time to process and grieve. I started hanging out with some friends of mine who were sympathetic to me and wanted to be there for me. But the place we ended up was the at bar. And we knew the bartender, so when I ordered one beer, five beers would find their way to me!

Wow, is it easy in the world to go down a path of self-gratification. There are many people to help you get there, to enjoy what they are enjoying. And in my state, I was looking for something to ease the pain. I wasn't thinking that of course, I was just thinking that I wanted to take it easy, hang out with my friends, and enjoy myself with a couple beers. My wife had just died by the way, and I just wanted to enjoy life a little bit if I could with old friends. Take a break from all the sadness. I wasn't thinking (that much) about where this path would lead me. Thankfully the Lord gave me a way out, like it says in that scripture, and showed me that I had to make my exit, and make it quick.

I was being honest with people about what I was doing and how much I was drinking (which was more than I wanted). Someone I talked to said it was like I had two well-worn paths in front of me that I knew very well, and I needed to make a choice which one I was going to follow. My choice was either the path to Party Town or the path of following the Lord. Even if I didn't take the train all the way to Party Town and stayed in Hanging-Out-With-Bros-and-Beers Town, I still knew that wasn't the path God had for me. So I followed God's way out, which presented itself in the form of an invitation. The Intern Director at my church invited to live at the church campus with the families and people who live there. I immediately jumped on this, knowing this was the path I want to take, the path that brings life.

It hasn't been easy, but life never is. So the question came down to do I want to take my focus off my own life and lay it down for the sake of others? It is not an easy path, but I would be helping to make a difference in restoring and transforming people's lives for the better. And my own life would get restored in the process. Sounds like a pretty good set-up. Or do I want to seek pleasure in the moment in an effort to escape and numb the pain I feel in my own life? This will only leave me feeling empty the next day and wanting more in order to fill the hole.

This is the question I asked myself in my grief and is a question that anyone facing a similar situation may need to ask themselves. But I think everyone can benefit themselves by asking this question, 'what am I really living my life for? Who am I living it for? For God, or for myself? Honestly, am I just seeking to numb my own pain, or am I seeking God and the life that He has for me?' I challenge you to honestly ask yourself this question. If you're surprised by the answer, talk to someone you trust about it, or you can send me an email. You can email me by clicking the "contact me" link on my profile in Blogger.

In closing I want to say that choosing to live on campus not only provided me a way to jump onto the path I really wanted to take, it has also been a safe place for me to grieve. I have my own room, and I've been given all the space I need to grieve. If I need to go to my room and be alone for a while, I can do that. There are also about 30 great people who live on campus with me, so there is often someone around who I can trust can talk to. It's also great to have people around so I don't slip into isolation.

I'm grateful to God for providing an exit off the train to Party Town and for getting putting me on the path following Him. I'm also glad I'm living at a place in this time of my life where I'm safe and covered.

Good things

My 34th birthday was a few days ago and it got me thinking about this past year of my life. Shortly after my 33rd year started, I told myself, 'this is going to be the worst year of my life.' It has been, and understandably so. It was the year I lost my dear wife Linda. But when I look back on it, I also see how God has carried me through the year. He has surrounded me with people and He has been close to me in my grieving like only He can.

On my birthday this year I started reading the journal that I kept when Linda was in critical condition, and in one of the first letters I wrote to our friends and family there was this verse: "How great is Your goodness, which You have stored up for those who fear You, which You have wrought for those who take refuge in You." Psalm 31:19. I thought, 'how true that verse was in our lives and how true it still is today.' When Linda died, she went to heaven, to the place God prepared for her, where she is no longer in her broken body and where she gets to live with Him forever! My heart is still broken, but knowing that she is there brings me hope.

What also brings me hope is knowing that the promise in this verse applies to me as well. It helps me get through the hard days knowing that God has good things in store for me. Sometimes the good things are small and get me through the day, like a bike ride (weather it's my bike with pedals or the one with a motor). Sometimes the good things keep me safe and covered, like living at a church and having a church family of about 30 people that I live with who are always there for me if I need it.

And I know that God's promise is true, that I won't be in grief-land forever and that this loneliness and sense of loss will subside. That God is creating good through all this tragedy and the result of this broken world. And that God has a good life in store for me in the future.

Writing again

I had intended to keep a regular blog over the last several months, but it obviously didn't turn out that way. My previous (and first) post was in September, and since then I haven't posted anything because the grief was more intense than I anticipated. But that said, I know that the grief is a testament to the love I have for Linda, so I wasn't about to avoid it. And also I've learned there's no way around grief, only through it. If I try to stuff it down, it will only come out later in unexpected ways. And besides, we have a loving God who knows our pain intimately and who is always ready to draw close to us when we call to Him. In Psalm 56:8 it says, "You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?"

My desire is to share my journey so that I can let you--my friends and family--in on my grieving process. This blog allows me to process what I'm feeling and it lets you be a part of my life in this time. Weather it sparks conversation or a private prayer, either way it's all good! I appreciate however you come alongside me. It also allows me to share my faith and my hope is that it can be a help to someone who is grieving or going through something similar.

I never made the first post I wrote public, so I am making it public now. It's under the the "2012"section of the "Blog Archive" on the right of this screen...

Much love,

Michael

Staying Here

Hello all, I've started this blog so that you, my friends and family, can track with me during this time after my precious wife Linda has passed away. It is also a way for me to share my testimony of what God is doing and saying in my life. I welcome any comments you have to my posts.
A few days ago I asked God a new question, a question arising out of my grief. I asked Him, "Why?" I've asked him why before, as in "Why did You take Linda?" I know I won't know the answer to this question until I get to Heaven, but I know it is legitimate question. But this time the why was proceeded by, "Why didn't you take me too? I would rather be with her now than go through the rest of this miserable life!"
It was a heart-cry, and the feeling is difficult to describe. All I can say is that I miss my wonderful wife very very much and in the moment I didn't see the point of going on without her. Why shouldn't I just die and go to heaven too so that I could be with her now? That feeling (and a feeling of despair) stuck with me for a couple days until one morning when the Lord spoke to me through His Word. I woke up pretty sad, with that feeling still in my heart, when I opened the bible and asked the Lord to guide me to what to read.
I turned to Philippians 1, and immediately felt the Lord speak to me. What stood out most were verses 21-25 which say, "For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. But if I am to live on in the flesh, this will mean fruitful labor for me; and I do not know which to choose. But I am hard-pressed from both directions, having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better; yet to remain on in the flesh is more necessary for your sake. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain and continue with you all for your progress and joy in the faith, so that your proud confidence in me may abound in Christ Jesus through my coming to you again."
God spoke to me right there. I could relate exactly to what Paul was saying, and it was like the Lord was saying, "I want you here on Earth still for the sake of the people you love and those I will lead you to." I felt the despair subside. Only the Lord could say that to me in a way that would reach my heart. I took a moment, and although it was difficult I answered the Lord. I said aloud, "Okay. I understand."
God still wants to use me. He doesn't think I'm used up or washed out. My world has been rocked to the core, don't get me wrong. But that doesn't count me out for the amazing future He has promised me. He says in the Bible, "'For I know the plans that I have for you,’ declares the LORD, ‘plans for welfare and not for calamity to give you a future and a hope.'" (Jeremiah 29:11) Sure life will be hard, but if I keep following my Father, He promises to bring me fulfillment and not ruin. To use my life to impact other people, not just a lifetime filled with despair and broken-heartedness.
I know I am in a season of grieving, and that is proper. But I won't always be there. I want to add most importantly that when God spoke to me in my despair, it was way beyond words. He met me intimately and touched a place of my heart only He could reach. I have to say most days right now are difficult, but every day I look to God for what I need and He meets me there, giving me what I need to get through that day. And I know He will be there every day, as it says in Deuteronomy 31:6, "He will never leave you nor forsake you."